Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Different, But Not Second-Rate
Trolling around on the internet, I came across a blog written by a young woman who is trying to have a baby but cannot conceive. She and her husband are struggling with infertility, which is known as IF. Trying to conceive is known as TTC.
After reading several posts, plus all the comments, I felt a lot of empathy for this young woman. She says she doesn't want to look back with regret because she didn't have a baby, but also doesn't want to miss the life that's going on right now while she's distracted by crushing disappointment each month. She and a number of people who leave comments on her blog seem not to want to adopt a child.
During my thirties, I struggled with whether or not to have a baby, going back and forth, feeling sad, not wanting to go to baby showers, feeling as though there was a gun at my head in the form of the biological clock, to mix metaphors. It was now or never; what to do?
Ultimately, I chose not to have a child, which was a loss, but the right thing for me. By the time I was in my forties, I was at ease with that choice. As I read this young woman's posts, I wished I could communicate that one can have a very good life without having children, and I decided to write a comment to her, which has been ignored by her readers (no responses), but who knows, maybe someone found comfort in it:
As a 62-year-old woman who did not have children but who really struggled in my thirties about whether or not to be a mother (I know, this is not the same situation you're in), I can say that it's possible to have a very good life without being a mother. Not better, not worse, but very good, and with a strong marriage. I wish I had known that then. It is not a second-rate life, but it is a different life from that of people who become parents. All the best---LizR
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2 comments:
I do not write about this on my blog but I've been married 4 1/2 years and we do not have children yet, not because of choice, but because it just hasn't happened for us yet.
I spent the first 2 1/2 years crying every month, and even though I don't cry as often it is still painful when my cycle begins. I have always wanted to be a mom. When I was 15 I would tell people I wanted 4 boys & 2 girls, they all thought I was nuts, but I wanted a big family.
I know that your comment was meant to comfort this person, and maybe it did, but I can also see why it was not commented on. It's probably because they can't begin to relate to your situation and aren't sure what to say.
No matter how you look at it, its just different.
The choice not to have children was something you struggled with, but it was a choice you made for yourself.
I can almost guarantee most of the woman who commented on the blog never really thought twice about whether or not to have kids, or if they did, obviously they decide yes, and now they can't, no matter what they try, they just can't.
When it's something that you truly want and long for, it becomes really hard to relate with women who can and chose not to.
I just thought you'd like some insight as to why your comment was not addressed. It's not that it was not helpful, I'm sure it was, but it might just be that nobody knew what to say because they can't relate to the situation is all.
Yes, I know what you mean, Molly, and I was very aware when I wrote that post that I was addressing people who did NOT choose not to have children. It is different, definitely!
My point was that even if you're childless not by choice, you will find that life goes on and can be better than okay. This does not mean there won't be grief or longing.
What's interesting to me about the response to my blog post was that many women who are mothers who wrote to me (e-mail and Facebook). I was very surprised. Every single one said yes, there are different paths in life and one does not have to be a mother to be happy, there are plusses and minuses to each path.
But I am very sorry to hear of your situation, and really, I can to some degree relate because I didn't not give up having children easily. It was a painful struggle, and some sad facts about my family background very much informed it. Without that, I would have become a mother, I'm sure.
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