Missing summer weather...

Can you have Seasonal Affect Disorder in June?  I may have it.  The gloomy weather seems unrelenting.  Garden cushions indoors, sun umbrellas collapsed, rain umbrellas open, drying out.

Here's a poem by Jane Kenyon, one of my favorite poets, to conjure up some summer.

Coming Home at Twilight in Late Summer

We turned into the drive,
and gravel flew up from the tires
like sparks from a fire. So much
to be done--the unpacking, the mail
and papers...the grass needed mowing...
We climbed stiffly out of the car.
The shut-off engine ticked as it cooled.

And then we noticed the pear tree,
the limbs so heavy with fruit
they nearly touched the ground.
We went out to the meadow; our steps
made black holes in the grass;
and we each took a pear,
and ate, and were grateful.

From Otherwisek Jane Kenyon, 1996

Why do they care?

 

 

Yesterday, pinned to my Stressless recliner after a busy day, I let "The PBS News Hour" roll over me.  I wasn't really paying attention until a large woman with a unicolorous chestnut bob and a reflexive smile appeared on the screen, mad as hell about gay marriage being legalized in New York.  I couldn't see her feet, but I'll bet she was stamping them.

She's not buying it.   The PEOPLE don't want gay marriage, POLLS show the majority of people opposed,  EVERYONE  in the state should vote on the issue,  and Republican legislators SOLD OUT their principles in New York.  She suggested darkly that the naughties in the New York Legislature were going to get theirs.  She repeated "one man, one woman," several times, and she declared that the definition of marriage is a "very foundational issue."

This woman turned out to be Maggie Gallagher, CEO of the National Organization for Marriage.  Doing a little research, I found that she also wants litigation permitted against spouses who commit adultery, and she's opposed to civil unions and domestic partnerships.  A my-way-or-the-highway kind of gal.

Later, I watched another PBS program, "A House Divided," about Abraham Lincoln and his dotty wife. In last night's episode much time was devoted to making the distinction between Frederick Douglas's position on slavery, which was that whatever the American people wanted was what should prevail, and Lincoln's, which was that it was a moral issue, a matter of right and wrong, and not an issue to be taken to the people for a final opinion. 

Here in our two-personl democracy, we are unanimous that a Lincoln-type position on gay marriage is the correct one. It's a matter of fairness, democracy, right or wrong.  We've spent a certain amount of time at dinner and on long car drives puzzling over why anyone would give a damn who's married to who and how it could possibly affect our own relationship.  We are mystified.

How to Help

My sister just sent the sad news that the mother of a close friend is very ill, and can I suggest what she can do to help?  I thought of a recent piece in the New York Times magazine, "You Look Great' and Other Lies," written by cancer surivor Bruce Feiler.  He has a list of six things never to say to someone who's sick, and four things you can always say  Here's the complete list:

The Nevers:

1. What can I do to help?  Too vague.  The sick person (or relative) will feel burdened and too vulnerable coming up with a list.  Just do something, Feiler advises.  The more mundane the better: offer to clean the fridge, replace light bulbs, unpot dead plants.  My own suggestion: like a kindness, a pot of soup is never misplaced. 
2. My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Feiler thinks the majority of people who say that are falling back on a cliche.  I often write that I'm thinking of the person, which is true, but perhaps I need to retire this phrase.
3. Did you try that mango colonic I recommended?  No miracle cure suggestions.
4. Everything will be okay.  This dismisses whatever the patient is feeling or been told by doctors.
5. How are we today? Infantilizes the patient. 
6. You look great.  Patients see through this, and it reminds them they don't look great.  I have said it and meant it, but now I wonder if it doesn't reveal my surprise at their relatively healthy appearance.

Good to say:

1. Don't write me back.  Thanking people is a burden to sick people or their relatives.  Feiler says, "Chicken soup is not a wedding gift; it shouldn't come with added stress."
2. I should be going now.  He advises that after twenty minutes, max,  end the visit with the sick person, and go.  And "while you're there, wash a few dishes, tidy up the room, take out the trash when you leave."
3.Would you like some gossip?  A change of topic is very welcome.  Patients are tired of talking about their illness. 
4. I love you.  Feiler says, "When all else fails, simple, direct emotion is the most powerful gift...the fact that so few of us do this makes it even more meaningful."

If you have other suggestions, please send them. I promise to include them in future blogs.  Everyone needs help with this.

Obama, the Food Pantry, and Me

I watched President Obama speak for eight minutes last night and had to turn him off.  I found myself shouting at him the way I have at Republican presidents.

Here's why:

1.  The Berkeley Food Pantry, where I volunteer, has seen its USDA food allotment cut by half.  So the often-paltry bag of beans/rice/canned veg and fruit will be smaller.  A critical FEMA grant is now 3-6 months late and may be halved.  The Pantry will not give out Thanksgiving food bags this year. 

2. The wars the US is fighting are costing $2 billion a week.

Checking in clients at the Pantry, seeing the desperation in their eyes when I tell them they can pick up groceries only once a month, may have nudged me from progressive Democrat to a Food Not Bombs person who's given up on the system (such as the USDA) and takes to scrounging around in dumpsters or God knows where to supply the poor with food.  The government seems to have completely lost touch.

Don't just sit there!

Turns out sitting is bad for us, according to the New York Times.    Our muscles "go as silent as those of a dead horse."  Yummy. That leads to a "cascade of  harmful metabolic effects" (if you're still alive):  your rate of burning calories drops by two-thirds, insulin effectiveness drops within a single day, and your risk of developing Type 2 diabetes and being obese rises.

And one more thing: a study showed that for each additional hour someone sits and watches TV per day, the risk of dying rose by 11 percent.  To combat all this bad news, a researcher has created a "treadmill desk" to be used in offices.  (At this, I put my head down on my own stationary desk and despaired.)

The only good news:  fidgeters burn more calories.  Fidgeting is actually anti-sitting.  If you're a sitter who hops up to monitor your dryer or  bends over to tie her shoes or even--can we hope?--rubs hand cream into her cuticles while watching "The Sopranos," you are less of a dead horse.  Oh, boy.

Hey, what's the truth?

Every morning when I read the obituaries in the San Francisco Chronicle, I wonder what the REAL story is.

 I have to confess that when my dad died, my sister and I deliberated over very common obit words like "beloved" and "devoted."   The final version of his obituary was nuanced and, to our minds accurate, whether or not anyone else caught on.  It was certainly not complete.  We did not have a perfect family life. 

A memoir, though, is another story, and I'm on a memoir kick right now.  I recently finished "Losing Mum and Pup," by Christopher Buckley (Pup was William F. Buckley, Jr.,  and Mum was Pat Buckley, socialite extraordinaire) and "Reading My Father," by Alexandra Styron, daughter of William Styron.

Honey, these families were a MESS.  Christopher Buckley tries to cover it up by citing the number of books his father wrote, the important people he knew, and how driven he was. His mother, Pat, was a compulsive, if witty, liar who went through periods of not speaking to her son or husband (otherwise known as "Ducky.")   Christopher seems bedazzled by his parents, but then his own life is much more complicated than he presents it in the book.  He's estranged from his wife, has an out-of-wedlock child whom he refuses to see, and a new girlfriend he bops around New York parties with,  none of which he happens to include.

Alexandra Styron  on the other hand, just comes out and says her father was impossible to live with.  He drank, he was depressed, he was verbally abusive, he was distant.  I did not read her book with dubious, raised eyebrows, because it rang very true, as complete as she could make it.

There's a creepy ad for cemetery plots on TV right now that ends with, "Every life is a story."  This is true, and I'm thinking that if you dig around enough, every life is an interesting story, somewhere beyond the obituary.

Some thoughts on taking a cruise

Still pondering why we didn't enjoy our cruise more than we did.  I want to know WHY.  This week I had a helpful insight provided in a roundabout way by someone I've never met.  This lady was thinking about going to Disneyland and then heard about Disney cruises.  It turns out she didn't realize that Disney cruises actually MOVE.  She thought of it more as a stationary-but-floating theme hotel.

I took it from there.  Imagine if you could get on a ship in San Francisco, sail out to just beyond the Golden Gate Bridge, or maybe as far as the Farallon Islands, and then anchor.  That's it.  No getting off the boat.  You'd be waited on and pampered, and you could get drunk and go to a spa and have as much soft ice cream as you wanted (Tina Fey says, "Isn't that what cruising's about?  Soft ice cream and alcohol?"). You'd be with a jumble of people you didn't know, and you could chat with them or not, but you couldn't complain about being stuck on a boat because you knew what you were getting into and, besides, everyone else seems to be loving it.

You could also gamble, go to a casino, take a bare-bones art class or a cooking class.  You could read books from the ship library.   You could hit golf balls around a teeny course on the top deck in the strong wind.  For 10 days, those are your choices.  Also, shuffleboard and paddle tennis.  You would  have (expensive) internet.  Oh, and  baristas and biscotti.

I laid this out for Jerry, and we both nearly had to be resuscitated.  I ventured that they'd have to send a helicopter to rescue us.  He agreed.  I know he was thinking about whether he could bring a wheelbarrow full of moths to pin and manuscripts to read, plus a computer and maybe a microscope.  I was wondering if I could wedge part of my fabric stash and a small sewing machine into our cabin.

In essence, for much of our cruise, we felt as though we were on this fantasy trip.  Yes, we could get off every day, but sometimes for only a few hours.  Sometimes it was as though we were released to explore the Farallons (which would definitely be interesting) but it was cold and windy and two or four other ships had the same idea that day.  We didn't know anyone on board and shy away from small talk, anyway.

Alas, we are not cruisers.  I just re-read the thick book-like brochure that seduced me in the first place.  It sounds so groovy.  All those places and no bother!  Romantic, adventurous, with everything-at-our-fingertips.  And for some people it works out that way.  Thousands of people love it.  But it's not for us.

Lista Pills

I've been going to a pool exercise class for nine years.  There are 25 people in the class, and they re-enroll for session after session, so we all know each other.  Most are women, and most are in their sixties, seventies, or eighties.

Yesterday I went to lunch with my three closest pool pals, and of course we gossiped about other people in the class.  In fact, we came up with a preliminary list of pills,  classmates who set our teeth on edge.  They talk too much during the class, or  intrude on personal space in the dressing room, or  are too  loud.  One pontificates.  The list is subjective and a little curmudgeonly, but God, it felt good to be straightforward about it. 

The four of us didn't agree on all points; in fact, it was educational to hear new perspectives on people I'd already dismissed as pills.  I ended up liking more people in the class, or feeling more kindly disposed toward them, than before we talked.  On the other hand, I hadn't previously diagnosed the pontificator.  Works both ways.

Then we ate tiny jam tarts the British pal brought to the restaurant for dessert and went home feeling very satisfied, and above all, connected.

Guides and Mormons

Well!  My day was made when I discovered the 50th anniversary edition of "The White House: An Historic Guide," is now available.  I ordered it pronto from the White House Historical Association.  I collect these guides, the first of which was published by Jackie Kennedy, and I now have a representative guide from every administration since.  My collection was completed when my friend Judy Hanlon scored a Kennedy adminstration guide recently among donations to the Berkeley Public Library.

This will be the first guidebook published since Obama became president.  I've learned not to order the guide too early in a given administration, or they send the one from the last First Lady. I've ended up with three Reagans and three Bush II's because of this, and in exasperation finally contacted the White House photographer via e-mail to make sure I was getting the next administration's guide.  Stayed posted for updates on Michelle's decor.  (Ardent Democrat though I am, I think Hillary Clinton's decorator was the worst of the lot.)

Also: After watching a scene from "The Book of Mormon" on the Tony Awards, I decided to see what Mormon women wear as missionaries (the men we know: dark pants, dorky short-sleeved white shirt, black tie).  Without much trouble, I found a very specific description online of what's acceptable.  So in case you ever want to be one:

1. No black bras;  beige or white only
2. Nothing tight
3. Nothing loose
4. Nothing casual, wrinkled, or faddish
5. Conservative hair "adornments" only
6. Flat-soled shoes or shoes with a low heels, except on Sundays, when you need "dressy" shoes
7. Skirts must cover top and front of knee when you stand or SIT.
8. Don't even think about sleeveless
9. Ditto spandex
10. Overall: don't draw attention to any part of your body

Now you know.  See more at: www.mtc.byu.edu/doc/sisters.pdf

A few thoughts from a long trip...

Those who read my travel blog (@travelpod.com) know that I've just been on a 5-week trip to Italy, London/UK, and New York.    I scribbled some Rules For Future Travel while flying from London to New York.  Personal preference, of course.

1. Only 1 flight per day.  More than that is exhausting, and you can easily get derailed by connection problems.
2. If you want to be upgraded to Business or First Class using miles, make sure you get confirmed upgrades when you book.  The wait list sounds promising, but it  never seems to work out.
3. If you do waitlist for an upgrade, make sure it's not for a Friday.  A United employee told me that's the worst day to try for it.
4.JetBlue offers more space in the first six rows for not much more money, and those seats are more roomy and comfortable than United's Economy Plus.  You also get to board and get off first.
5. Take a minimum of 3 scarves. 
6. Unless you're Michelle Obama, one skirt is enough.  Black pants with multiple tops is best.
7. A note to I,  myself, personally:  black tops, though practical and a little more sophisticated (?),  get boring.  Bring some colored ones, too.
8. If you're going to Europe, get at least couple of plug adaptors to take with you for dual voltage appliances like hairdryers and heating pads.  You'll also need them for computers, digital cameras, cell phones chargers, and MP3 players, all of  which are built to accommodate multiple voltages but will need a plug adaptor in, say, Italy and England.  And remember: an adaptor simply gives you a plug that will work.  A transformer purports to transform the voltage from the lower US voltage to higher European. I have no experience with the latter and don't quite trust them.
9. Cruise ships, at least the Oceania ones, have US voltage, and  don't require  adaptors or transformers.
10. Cruise ships supply hair dryers, as do most hotels.  The flat in London did not, and the dual voltage hairdryer I bought at Amazon fried my hair even on "low," because of the higher voltage.  This is apparently common and a nuisance.
11. Do not try to take scissors on a cruise ship.  Mine were confiscated and returned at the end of the trip.
12. A minicomputer is extremely useful on a trip, even at cruise line  internet prices.  You can check ahead on opening times for museums, make online reservations,  and even check the weather. And, of course, blog.  Indispensable. I have an H/P that fits  into my purse.
13. If you have a fairly capacious carry-on, more of the duffel style,  make sure it has wheels.  Otherwise the trek down to airport gates can be really wearing.
14. Don't go for longer than a month, preferably for only three weeks. Again,  personal preference/endurance level.  Also, if  you go for a month or less you avoid having to deal with first-of-the-month bills from overseas.
15. Focussing on a particular museum, park, garden, stately home, whatever, is far superior to running around trying to see everything. Believe me.  I'm still recovering from a day in Florence.
16. Include a plastic serrated knife in your checked luggage.  Comes in very handy for various, such as slicing lemon from Corfu  for martini.
17. London is really not manageable for more than a week or so.  Again personal preference.  It is crowded and intense.
18. London hotels are insanely overpriced.  Get a flat.  We've used "A Place Like Home,"  agency for three London trips.
19. A travel alarm clock--mine is a Seiko--comes in very handy.
20. You can buy a cheap cell phone  (no camera, no internet) in European countries, rather than have your US cell equipped with new SIM cards for various countries.  We paid about $14 for an excellent "throwaway" cell phone  in London, very handy.  And it can be used on future trips there.  If I ever travel again.
21. Take small packages of Kleenex.  England, for example, supplies none in the  hotel rooms or rental properties that we've stayed in, and I  had a cold. 
22. Get some foreign currency before you leave. I ordered some pounds and euros online with the Bank of America and picked them up a few days later at my local branch.  If possible, get some smaller denomination notes or coins for tipping cab drivers and others who help when you first arrive,  before you  have a chance to get to an ATM.
23.  And finally, vis a vis the cut-lemon-for-martini, you CAN take your own alcohol on a cruise ship, but it must be  in checked luggage.  Jerry took a bottle of vodka in a plastic bag and wrapped clothes around it. No problem.  And drinks on cruise liners are exorbitantly priced.  Alcohol from duty free shops is a deal AND can be shipped around.

I welcome comments and additions!