Saying Oh-My-God to the Dress



Not going to work

For a solid week,  I've been binge-watching "Say Yes to the Dress."   I watch show after show, until all the brides run together, with their imperious mothers, teary fathers, and downright bitchy sisters.

Jerry hates this show and leaves the room immediately. He thinks the program is idiotic, but he never yearned to be a princess/ballerina/bride when he was five.  When I got married at 27, I didn't either.   Whatever--right now I'm seduced.

I've chosen my Kleinfeld's consultant (Keasha, with Audrey as back-up and of course Randy as troubleshooter) and eliminated certain designers (Pnina--she dresses showgirl brides, which I definitely am not).  I went online and tried booking a Kleinfeld's appointment at the end of January--no problem, if I can get myself to New York City.   Then I went to "Gown Gallery," to choose a dress.

Bummer.  If you're a 63-year-old with saggy arms and a upper chest with skin the texture of orange peel, you're pretty much out of luck:  It's all about strapless.

There were a few possibilities,  but, alas, I can't show you because Kleinfeld's has a lock on the photos--no drag-able jpegs.   But if you want to check out their website, my favorites are Dennis Basso's Bateau Sheath Gown in Beaded Embroidery ($10,000 and up); Edgardo Bonilla's Bateau Ball Gown in Satin ($5000-8000); and possibly even Francesca Miranda's Bateau Tea Length Gown ($3000-5000), even though it has no sleeves.

I couldn't penetrate the booking process far enough to find out if you HAVE to wear a longline bra to your appointment; most brides seem to.    I would, for sure, due to midriff issues.  And Spanx on my lower half.

I began to wonder:  If I mentioned that I'm an orphan could I get a discount?  Because Audrey and Keasha are very compassionate (as is Diane, but the bangs problem!) and might offer to cover what's over my budget, which is very low. (Young brides don't have bucket lists.)

Finally, defeated Kleinfeld's offerings, I googled "Mature Brides" and decided that I'd go with a short silvery metallic dress and matching coat and maybe some really high heels.

What do you think?  My knees are kind of shot to hell, but if they had this outfit at Kleinfeld's, I'm sure Keasha would be really nice about it.