Strike out!

Yesterday my sister and I went shopping for a few clothes for my upcoming trip to England and Italy, part of which will be on a cruise ship, where I will not be allowed to wear jeans in the dining room. I have one travel skirt, crinkly fabric with a delightfully forgiving elastic waist, but I'm really, truly tired of it. My one pair of slacks is, of course, black, and Madeleine fretted that they did not fit so well in the bum. So we made a shopping list: a couple of skirts and a pair or two of slacks. Off we went to Walnut Creek.

We returned a few hours later cranky and hostile and WITHOUT A SINGLE SHOPPING BAG. Madeleine was referring to "the bastards at Nordstrom's," and I was wondering where in hell women of a certain age were supposed to find clothes. And: when in hell are the seventies finally going to be over?

A few current fashion trends:

1. Pants cut wide at the top and very narrow at the ankle. This is not a flattering look. Most people already have wider waists and bums than ankles. Didn't find a single pair that fit or were even remotely flattering.

2. Skirts for cheerleaders! Oh, boy! Very short, gathered skirts. I think you wear these items with tights. We were aghast and agog. Many, many such skirts.

3. Pencil skirts--narrow and to the knee, or more commonly, well above the knee. The problem is, by 60, your knees are shot. They do not excite or allure. Also, pencil skirts are narrow at the top, which means they are not comfortable, especially when you sit down.

4. Tight, tailored short jackets with seventies-style stitching and a complete lack of comfortable slouch. They're rather dressy, or what Madeleine refers to as "professional- looking," meaning for the office. I have no office I can't wear a bathrobe in.

5. Sheaths, as worn by Michelle Obama, who has tremendously toned arms. Whatever it is about sheaths, they look better on the hanger than they do on me. Also, sheaths are quite short.

All of the above are designed to be worn with very high heels, maybe flats, but not any kind of shoe you'd want to wear wandering around cobblestone streets. Madeleine and I share one pair of high heels, bought in 2004, in case one of us is invited to a wedding or cocktail party. They currently reside in San Jose.

We swept through Nordstrom's, Macy's, J. Jill, Chico's, and Eileen Fisher, a pair of increasingly pissed-off and outspoken women in jeans and black sweaters, but then, when you're old you're allowed to be cranky. Then we went to See's, came out with treats, and watched passersby. Women our age (57 and 60) invariably wore a) jeans, which cover a multitude of imperfections and are comfortable, or b) fashionable clothes that were too tight. Many young girls staggered by in heels or worse, those very high wedgies.

We packed it in and drove back to Berkeley. Madeleine, the chic sister, the designer, the one who pushes for a little more "edge," was puzzled and outraged. She pushed for checking out a boutique near my house, and we did, but we'd lost heart. We came home and watched "Nurse Jackie," who was even more fed up than we were.

Anyway, I've come up with a solution for my cruise wardrobe: room service.