Hope on a Hanger

Such a relief: a designer named Carmen Marc Valvo has written a book called, "Dressed to Perfection: The Art of Dressing for your Red Carpet Moments." I have so many.

He says "it's about making a beautiful entrance and a beautiful exit," and "you want the coming and the going as if you were walking down a church aisle for a wedding." My wedding consisted of standing on my parents' back lawn, heels digging into wet grass, while wearing a $49.99 polyester dress I later wore to work. But you never know. And, by the way, the worst thing a woman can do is to "cut the body in thirds."

I was already bemused and feeling left behind by an ad I got with some undies I ordered online. Wacoal, the bra-and-panty company, has come up with the "iPANT." It looks like a plain old panty girdle, but it's constructed of "Novarel Slim nylon microfibers containing caffeine to promote fat destruction." Wired thighs! Also: vitamin E to "prevent effects of aging," plus retinol, aloe vera, and something called ceramides. The iPANT "shapes and sculpts" as you move throughout the day. That would be 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 28 days. It is, according to Wacoal, "hope on a hanger."

Do we order it or weep? I just heard on NPR that there are "pro-ana" websites that promote anorexia nervosa as a lifestyle. Several public health specialists and doctors were ranting in a low-key, fact- filled way against these. They want women to accept their bodies, fat, thin, tall, or short.

I'm trying. Next month my sister and I are going shopping for my "cruise wardrobe," meaning something besides the usual jeans I wear 24/7, a few skirts and tops for the dining room. I was thinking of wearing Spanx, some sort of "nylon microfiber," to make the clothes fit better in the dressing room, but now I'm thinking, why bother? Who are we kidding? And why?