How to Help

My sister just sent the sad news that the mother of a close friend is very ill, and can I suggest what she can do to help?  I thought of a recent piece in the New York Times magazine, "You Look Great' and Other Lies," written by cancer surivor Bruce Feiler.  He has a list of six things never to say to someone who's sick, and four things you can always say  Here's the complete list:

The Nevers:

1. What can I do to help?  Too vague.  The sick person (or relative) will feel burdened and too vulnerable coming up with a list.  Just do something, Feiler advises.  The more mundane the better: offer to clean the fridge, replace light bulbs, unpot dead plants.  My own suggestion: like a kindness, a pot of soup is never misplaced. 
2. My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Feiler thinks the majority of people who say that are falling back on a cliche.  I often write that I'm thinking of the person, which is true, but perhaps I need to retire this phrase.
3. Did you try that mango colonic I recommended?  No miracle cure suggestions.
4. Everything will be okay.  This dismisses whatever the patient is feeling or been told by doctors.
5. How are we today? Infantilizes the patient. 
6. You look great.  Patients see through this, and it reminds them they don't look great.  I have said it and meant it, but now I wonder if it doesn't reveal my surprise at their relatively healthy appearance.

Good to say:

1. Don't write me back.  Thanking people is a burden to sick people or their relatives.  Feiler says, "Chicken soup is not a wedding gift; it shouldn't come with added stress."
2. I should be going now.  He advises that after twenty minutes, max,  end the visit with the sick person, and go.  And "while you're there, wash a few dishes, tidy up the room, take out the trash when you leave."
3.Would you like some gossip?  A change of topic is very welcome.  Patients are tired of talking about their illness. 
4. I love you.  Feiler says, "When all else fails, simple, direct emotion is the most powerful gift...the fact that so few of us do this makes it even more meaningful."

If you have other suggestions, please send them. I promise to include them in future blogs.  Everyone needs help with this.